Aug 10 2023

Is it delusions of grandeur or deeply rooted insecurities and low self-esteem?

I wonder if the delusions of grandeur are a symptom or end result of the kind of environment I grew up in. What would I be like if I had an older brother? Or grew up near any family that wasn’t my immediate family? I definitely would’t by typing this in English, and how differently would I see myself in relation to my wife, my professional life, my family, and community I suppose.

I don’t know. What if Hitler had cured cancer? Don’t think about it. The horrific thing is that – despite this incredibly amount of luxury, it’s still hard to sit down and feel… happy? That’s not really the right word. Some kind of satisfaction, and the feeling of pure emotional, psychological, and quasi-religious mirth that I’d like to imagine I should feel. That came out a little more deranged than intended.

Despite not having any real stressors in my life, and being in a stable place economically and in my relationships, I’m still irritable, prone to depressive episodes, and generally not satisfied. I can’t be the only one who feels like this, and the tragedy is that I don’t know that I can have these kinds of discussions with other men (or women, for that matter).

Aug 13 2023

[REDACTED FOR PRIVACY]

It doesn’t feel like we’re under that much pressure really, I don’t understand why we feel all stressed out. I guess the one that’s going to be taking risks is going to have to be me, on account of my career being less well defined.